Relationship Fail

Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast.

Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she’s awake".

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. As everything was ending, I tried to save the relationship by telling her how much I cared about her. Her response? "Please stop. You’re gonna make me feel bad."

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no.

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she’s been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend’s father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week.

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to have sex with the girl he’s been cheating on me with for the past 4 months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out.

Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he’d be living next to a gay guy.

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends’ good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends.

Today, my boyfriend decided to come clean. Apparently last week when I was drunk and asleep, he decide to wank all over me. Then laughed when I said I felt ’sticky’ in the morning.

Today, I was lying in bed late at night trying to fall asleep. I blew my nose on a kleenex and was too lazy to get up and but it in the garbage. I threw it under my bed when I heard a whispery voice say "Thank you". It was my little brother trying to scare me. I peed myself.